don´t give up so easily

Cutting the crap, I just want to try something different. I know sometimes I lie through my teeth planning so many things or pretending that I´m changing myself, but this time it´s true. It is because I do want to see another point of view and then I choose what I really want to be or to feel. As usual I know I´m not being gassed up, bowing out any suspicion.

I´m so fed up with all of these things. This makes me want to run away and actually I´ve been thinking of it really often these times and that´s why it scares me.

Undoubtedly my thoughts could be wrong and I can see myself in a stalemate, where I couldn´t even go backwards. “There” where I would probably stop and think about all I´ve been doing, I´d see so many things that I cannot see right now. This road might be quite long, strong and full of tricks, but I must face it with no fear.

Truly I think I have already lived so many different situations (even being only twenty-two). In spite of that, I still have to learn too much to feel ready to walk alone, on my own. I´m not going to try something that I know I can´t, otherwise I´d fuck me. Trying to avoid it, I´m looking for reasons to still learn as a conscientious person before risking everything and fail.

This should be the right way to live our own lives, but as we all already know it´s not that easy. Greed, lust and other deadly sins drive us crazy and away from our focus. I know they are always by my side; I can´t work it out very well.

By now I don´t even know what I should do. I´m completely lost in an awesome labyrinth far away from the light, quite distant from all the answers indeed, like a blind guy in the middle of nowhere. It´s such an upset reality, but the one that hundreds of people live everywhere all the time.

Unfortunately I have no happy ending for this text; feel sorry for that, my fellows. If somebody already knows how to work with it efficiently, please, answer me back.

IThauan dos SantosI

"let it go"

Um determinado dia, a Maria se deu conta de que já não era possível manter a situação como ela vinha ocorrendo. Sendo assim, começou a se questionar:

“Por que eu sempre tenho que ser forte?”; “Por que eu sempre preciso esconder meu choro com sorriso no rosto como forma de sofrer menos?”; “Por que eu necessito de ocultar meus sentimentos, simulando que nada me afeta?”; “Por que as pessoas acham que eu sempre tenho a solução dos problemas e exigem de mim a resposta rápida e precisa?”; “Por que eu não posso seguir em frente sem pensar que eu tenho uma carga pesada amarrada em meu calcanhar?”

A Maria segurou (como sempre), mas dessa vez não conseguiu… e chorou. Chorou de dor. Não daquela dor comum, a física, mas porque doía viver daquela forma. A cobrança era crescente. O valor, decrescente.

Ela sabia que nada podia fazer para mudar. Pelo menos não no curto prazo. No entanto, os projetos de médio e longo prazo se mostravam nebulosos e severamente criticado por muitos.

Parou. Refletiu. Enxugou as lágrimas. E ergueu a cabeça.

Infelizmente, ela ainda não tinha se acostumado à crítica brutal. Mas sabia que era preciso manter a força de vontade e caminhar rumo ao foco.

Seu calcanhar de Aquiles era saber que ia ser difícil “chegar lá”. Que muitas discussões ainda estariam por vir. Que muitos altos (provavelmente) viriam. E que muitos baixos (certamente) também.

De qualquer forma, ela segue caminhando. Após a queda, ela se levanta e, teimosa, ruma contra a maré em busca de seus objetivos (famosos por serem “mirabolantes”). Para manter o hábito, ela oculta as lágrimas num belo (?!) sorriso.

IThauan dos SantosI

"until death do us part"?

They have been living and loving together for too long. Sharing experiences, good times and bad ones as well, and unforgettable memories that made the path to this kind of story.

Although it seemed to last forever like everything else, it wasn´t. They had been building such a nice environment until the time it wasn´t possible to work anymore. Even with a nice family, they saw the opportunity, the necessity to learn that changing is the key to go on without suffering until the end.

Trying to resist the reality happened for many years, but anyway it wasn´t the best thing ever tried, because it didn´t work. We all know it´s hard to restart a new life, because we are used to living in a particular way, but sometimes it´s better to restart it than keeping on living the way we are used to.

IThauan dos SantosI

Kinda chess

The best thing on being sad and a little bit down is that you might get better sooner or later. I´m sure that it has been happening to me today, actually since the whole last month.

I was definitely living an old dream. I was trying to resist the reality, still thinking that I was “there”. It made me feel worse especially because I couldn´t change my real situation, neither my mood nor plans for future.

Now I decided to move on, looking for reasons to keep myself on my way , drawing my path.

The key to see what we shall do in order to feel happier and more interesting in life is knowing that you are in a big game, where you are just a piece of it. Sometimes we are in good times, playing it very well. In other ones we are under control, weak and losing the game, but still knowing our ultimate goal.

Changing from loser to winner isn´t something eternal; it´s dynamic, not static as many people think. Then, it can let you think twice before leave behind some goal, idea or even an amazing story. Move yourself and go ahead. Time passes by and opportunities go away while you are crying and suffering as if your situation would consume you forever.

IThauan dos SantosI

I used to...

... do so many things, even when actually I had nothing to do, even I actually had nothing to do;

... be happier, just because I knew they were all there by my side;

... play the game while I had lots of fun trying to give my best;

... dream higher, especially because doing that often made me see an interesting future.

Now I know I´m going to restart another completely different kind of live, harder and less funny than the one I had been living. The first week without it was really difficult and a bit sad, but as I know myself almost perfectly, I´m going to find another way to drive my life in a very good way and I´m sure that my friends are going to support me. My family is going to do it as well.

This year won´t be that easy, I already know that. By now I know that I have to be focused on my plans and I should go straight to the point, without changing plans to get there. This is what I´ve been thinking about, and what I´m going to do. Just like some years ago when I had to face the same situation, I mean, hard choices to choose, I´m sure that I can do that again and in the end I will look back and hopefully smile, knowing that I took the correct way and I did the right thing.

IThauan dos SantosI

Em busca do tesouro

Pensavam que não conseguiriam chegar ao outro continente… aquela chuva torrencial parecia que não cessaria; ao contrário, insinuava que àquela tripulação daria fim. Jamais veriam novamente o brilho do sol. Aquela noite seria a pior até então vivida.

Houve uma trégua. Pareceu-lhes que as inúmeras rezas e promessas naquele navio realizadas foram enfim ouvidas. O líder logo tomou à frente e indicou as direções a serem tomadas, pois o objetivo principal não podia ser alterado.

Longas foram as noites naquele mesmo local na esperança de que fossem recompensados. Fala-se que “lá” havia de quase tudo; todos procuravam pelas riquezas do Novo Mundo. Poucos eram os que voltavam vivos. Raros os que voltavam com algo de valioso – quando muito, com suas infelizes vidas.

Do mastro da navegação, o guia grita: “Terra à vista”. A euforia daquele instante fora suficiente para fazer a felicidade geral dos tripulantes. Ninguém mais recordava das dificuldades até então passadas. Só lhes faltava explorar o novo. E de certeza que o fariam atrás de qualquer coisa que lhes fizesse valer a pena tal empreitada.

O líder infiltrava-se em meio a todo aquele verde, mas, na verdade, ele tampouco sabia o quê procurava e em qual direção deveria seguir para encontrar o que sequer tinha conhecimento. Andava… olhava… corria… desesperava-se. Colocaria em risco toda a sua reputação frente à tripulação em prol de nada. Até que encontrou.

O tão procurado tesouro fora visto de longe. Estava mesmo em um velho baú, mas que aparentava trazer grandes riquezas. Ele como estava afastado do grupo, foi verificar em particular. Queria desfrutar daquele momento sozinho.

Difícil foi conseguir abrir aquele compartimento singular e antiquado. Mas foi mais fácil do que se imaginava, pois havia uma chave mesmo ao lado do baú. Sacou da mesma e o abriu. O mesmo que era grande, apenas guardava uma pequena jóia. Mas era de uma jóia tão bela que apenas ela valeu tamanho esforço. Aquele instante foi suficiente para ele. Podiam julgá-lo insano ou qualquer coisa assim. Mas ele nunca teria encontrado noutro lugar algo tão precioso.

|Luan dos Santos|

changing habits is often necessary

I´d like to know the reason why sometimes we see ourselves in some situations that we could never understand and suddenly we notice we´re doing exactly what we have always been criticized for.

Now I can say “It´s ok”. Few months ago I would act completely different. After living and sharing many experiences, I can easily write them down here… I don´t have to worry anymore. If I were dumb, I wouldn´t change my point of view. Luckily, I did.

Despite laws, social behavior standards, rights and duties, I think we must do exactly what we want. No doubts sometimes we should think twice or even deny some wishes we have, but at the same time we ought to know most of the opportunities we have are unique and that´s why we have to reach out for them as they´re the only ones.

I´ve been learning so many things these last months. I´m on my way, whereas knowing I´m always learning and growing as a person. And it makes me keep walking throughout the crowd.

In conclusion, I need to highlight it here… I´ve been thinking about it for too long, but now I clearly know that life is something really crazy: when I´m waiting for something, nothing happens, but when I´m not waiting for anything, everything happens ... and my fate continues.

IThauan dos SantosI

... finally

When something hurts and consumes you as if it squeezes your heart, act and do what you really want to. Undoubtedly it is going to make you feel better.

He spent some days thinking about saying something or not, but at last he did. And he thought about it a hundred times before making a move ...

... it was simple, just like smiling. He wrote down all his needs or all he needed and felt renewed. Sometimes explaining every single point has no sense, but normally it makes all the difference (especially to him).

After that he can only wait and see what is going to happen. Actually he doesn´t know if to keep thinking about it is still healthy or not, but since he learnt how to try his wishes with no fears, he has chosen this way, even if it could make him feel worse than he was at the beginning.

IThauan dos SantosI

my farewell

I am afraid.

Afraid of going back. Afraid of leaving it. Afraid of the clarity. Afraid of the darkness. Afraid of my past ... and of my future.

Now I know the reason why I can´t even study, while I know I have to do that. That´s probably why it´s so hard to concentrate. My new way of living is leaving my life in a little bit more than one month and now I don´t know how to survive without it anymore.

Thinking of losing all I ever wanted is too painful and I see sadness on it. It doesn´t seem I won´t resist or deny my destination. Instead of that, I prefer to adapt myself to my new reality and try to work with that the best way I can rather spending hours crying and complaining. I´m not like that, but since now I assume it won´t be that easy at least in the beginning.

Changing my life so fast and suddenly seeing another completely different reality and lots of new (?) problems is disgusting and uninteresting. What should I do? By now I know nothing can be made to change it. As I used to repeat very often during the first six months of this year “I don´t want to run away of my reality, because this is my REAL life. I must face it”.

And it´s the biggest true I have ever told myself, I mean, I could even spend much time like this, but I should not be a traitor of my own goals. I really know what I have to do. I know every single thing: the way to get there and where is “there”.

It is not simple, ´cause it´s arduous…

… but I´m sure I will get there.

IThauan dos SantosI