mirando sin veer

¿Qué decir cuando ni tú sabes que hablar? A lo largo del tiempo he vivido un amontonado de cosas extrañas, como si ya no hubiera opciones u otros caminos a seguir. Además, el coraje sigue junto con el dolor y la sangre, aunque eso parezca una cosa imposible y una pesadilla.

E igual pasa cuando la gente empieza a intentar ayudarme, aunque de verdad sólo hace malas cosas. Echo chispas cuando las personas creen que pueden decir todo lo que piesan con respecto a alguien o alguna cosa, si aún no conocen a la verdad.

Me encantaría ponerme fuerte y listo y no dar ni golpe a los malos consejos que las personas me dicen a través de las palabras o del silencio. Sin embargo ellos me hacen dudar y cuestionar la posibilidad de todo.

Ojalá fuera un candado sin claves, donde mi única compañía fueran sólo mis pensamientos. Así yo podría ser el único actor de mi historia, sin depender de casi nada o nadie…

Es buena señal la idea de seguir compartiendo la realidad desde un punto de vista propio. Necesito todavía saber que cuanto más me aproximo de mis sueños, mas lejos de la realidad voy quedando, sino comenzaré a vivir un mundo de fantasías y sueños.

¡Qué no! No es eso lo que me gusta; pero vivir ese sueño, cambiándolo en mi propia realidad.

IThauan dos SantosI

Letter, word, phrase

She was a smart and clever little girl, but when she was a child, while she was taking her first classes at school, she could realised she had a big trouble: she could not write.

Despite knowing that this ability was quite relevant to her life, she had a special interest on fairytales and literature, for her grandmother read them to her every single night. This is one of the strongest memories of her childhood.

Her parents found out her competence to create stories and to describe a pharaonic castle with a sweet princess waiting for her handsome prince in his white horse. She could make up forbidden love stories as well as other complex realities, composed of elves, dragons, dwarfs, fairies and so on. As soon as they could, they enrolled her in a school in order to develop her writing skills.

However, they were very disappointed and sad about her weakness. Neither teachers´ attempts nor all her effort were being effective. The more she tried, the more frustrated she was. But gradually she could realise she had improved her capacity to draw an ordinary letter, to write a single word and to create a short phrase.

She was so enthusiastic and proud of herself that she could not stop writing anymore. Someday she heard that “practice makes perfect”, so she was determined to recover all the lost time. However, although her development had been very significant, she was never recognized for that and it made her feel weaker, for everyone wants to be recognized by their achievements.

Even though being an innocent, ingenuous and harmless little girl, she always knew for what she wanted to live. She desired to be a writer. Time passed by and now she is a famous writer with lots of books published and translated into many languages. When she thinks about her history, she realises that she just has to follow what she wants, doesn´t matter what others say about it. She knows that people wants to be recognized as they are, and now she can show the world that if you have a dream you can achieve it by yourself.

ILuan dos SantosI

Juego de los colores

No percibo muy bien cómo las cosas pueden cambiar tan rápidamente y en un par de días todo se pone nuevo. Hay que tenerse en cuenta que eso es necesario para que la gente empiece a hacer planes y otras cosas más, aunque todavía sus deseos más secretos sigan siempre con ella.

Ya no tengo dudas de que nada sucede por casualidad. Ahora estoy casi seguro de que las cosas siempre tienen una razón de ser, mismo cuando no miramos a nada o nadie que pueda explicar el porqué.

Ojalá no esté cometiendo errores mientras escribo este texto, sin embargo sigo diciendo eso desde hace muchos años. Muchas veces creemos que sólo tenemos mala suerte o que las cosas nos pasan fatal, pero ni siempre todo es tan simple como parece. Si no tenemos prisa y seguimos tranquilos, todo se va a aclarar.

Por lo menos es así que voy intentado comprender, sino sólo me pasarán tonterías en la cabeza. Yo que tú, harías lo mismo... antes que lo gris se convierta en negro.

*Gracias Sara por todo ;)

IThauan dos SantosI

Fortune telling card

It is so hard to understand some people and some things just because they are always changing so much and quite often. When you are getting in touch with something/somebody, they suddenly change and you cannot even do anything. You can only complain at it.

I do not want to live such a thing.

I completely disagree when you are looking for something, then you start working hard in order to “get there” without fear or doubt regarding your goals. So “there”, after spending so much time, strength and patience throughout this long path you see that everything is completely different and you are now a loser, despite winner.

This really makes me feel embarrassed and confused about what I want for myself. I know what I want for tomorrow, but I am sure that this choice is full of past experiences and wishes influences. Sincerely I am afraid of making mistakes.

The biggest wish I have been dreaming of is to get “there”. Then last but not least, I wish I had the opportunity to accomplish the main reason I still believe in, what is a worthwhile way to have spent all efforts and beliefs to be sure that I am not a silly person or even a foolish dreamer.

Meanwhile only when I am already there, I will be able to consider if I was right (insisting on it) or completely wrong (over insisting on it anyway). Since I know, no one can predict their own future, not even a fortune teller.

IThauan dos SantosI

pride and wasting time

It’s seems to be a joke, but unfortunately it isn’t. I just can’t believe I see myself in it again, ‘cause now I already know the reason why it´s been happening again.

Why the hell we have to be over proud? And what about “playing love stories”? I must confess it’s just about LIFE, but why is it often necessary to be hurting inside so badly? I’m not talking about myself (it’d better if I was the only one who suffers from it), but actually I’m talking about lots of people who cannot live what they want to and need to be complete; they just can’t live their dreams because of something (that shouldn’t even exist).

I’ve been thinking about it hardly these last months and I can’t say a word without having doubts about it. I apologize for that, but anyway I’m honest. Who else could say anything about life and especially related to heart feelings without any fear of saying anything wrong? How dare should I be pretending that I am the one who moves forward throughout the crowd without looking behind?! But I do. And not only behind, but to both sides as well.

Sometimes some people see nothing at all regarding to their own wishes and dreams. Now I see myself part of it. I wanna try everything and give my best before giving up, despite not believing it should come to me.

Yeah, I’m upset and hopeless right now and that’s why I’m about to stop writing. I can’t do it anymore. This “it” could be “writing” or “what I´ve been doing”. Sincerely, I´ve been trying hard this last choice, without having much success.

I hope next time I can bring you many happy feelings and warm words.

IThauan dos SantosI

keep smiling

Knowing real stories or even the ones watched in movies is always better for our points of view and goals for life. These days I have watched an amazing movie called “My Sister’s Keeper”. It could be just one more movie, but it actually wasn’t. While crying seeing how hard life could be, I suddenly realized how lucky I am. I have my family with me. Good friends by my side. I am healthy.

I have my problems indeed, but I don`t have big ones, anyway. Suffering for not achieving your goals or your wishes when you really want is not a kind of problem that you should count here. When I say “a problem to be dealt with”, I mean the ones that definitely hurt you such as diseases or so.

When you see people living such a hard life you feel their pain and stop complaining about your “problems”, which are actually not quite big enough. Pretending that you need special cares, more attention or mercy will not have any sense and you will see yourself in a selfish way of thinking and living, what you must change sooner or later, otherwise you will not be able to understand what life is and enjoy the moments properly.

Live your life is understanding that happiness is something dynamic not static. Today you win, then you smile; tomorrow you fail, and then you cry. You cannot say without any doubt you are a happy person, but that you are happy for some time. While you can face your problems in a good way, you can feel like a happy person.

We all should see happiness in each little thing lived everyday everywhere. I do think this is the best way to move on, trying to go forward without carrying too much.

IThauan dos SantosI

(In)possible

Sometimes you can think you are "dreaming" too much, but you just have to put in your mind that you do not have to forget your plans and what you want. As long as you really pursuit it, you will achieve it!

People are used to saying that you must have your feet on the ground. So, you are not able to fly, to try what is new. You can just think about what involves you and, as you do not have many choices, you have to be an average person. But what should happen if you really want to try new things?

Of course, it is very difficult to go beyond the borders. But it is not (in)possible at all. Actually, you just have to focus on your desires and design what you have to do to get them. You just have to think this goal is not (in)possible to be reached, so imagine you will be (in) this possibility.

We must believe in ourselves, but it is not enough. Sure you have to walk through a long and complex road… while it happens, lots of people will say you are crazy or something like that. But do not worry about it: in every single situation there will be many attempts to put you down. So you have to keep your mind straight to that point.

For many people this way is much more difficult due to personal characteristics and momentaneous circumstances. We know that. I know that. But it should make you believe you have to be much stronger, determined and focused on those plans. Just figure out how powerful you are and what you have to do to turn these dreams into reality. There is nothing impossible for those who really want something. There are (in)possible things…

ILuan dos SantosI

it is so up to you

I am going to write something now just because of a movie I watched yesterday in the afternoon. It is about a dream and the main character is a poor guy who has a son and a wife. That is all he had.

Watching his life get worse and his marriage about to break down, he has never forgotten his dreams, especially his biggest one: to have a good job to live a life with his family. It is a kind of American dream, but the one that every single person wishes hard.

As expected, he gets there. What was the key to success? Sure it was hard work!

This made me feel a bit sad, just because I saw myself in lots of scenes and acts, but at the same time I realized I have been changing so much. I used to work harder in order to have what I wanted, but today I am doing it slowly. I must change soon.

I should actually confess this movie drove me to a better way of thinking… to the one I always knew really well, but that seemed to be hidden inside. Focus is needed “to get there”, otherwise I will not be able to achieve what I want. The pursuit of happiness is not that easy as people usually say, (and) ­not even impossible.

IThauan dos SantosI